Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
