All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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