Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
