So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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