I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
whose ass print is on the piano?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
