The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
