If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
