my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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