Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
