Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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