mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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