...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
