put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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