I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
