We need to rekindle our bromance
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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