Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
