I faked an abortion last night.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
time to smoke my breakfast
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
