at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
