My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
