I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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