Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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