Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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