chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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