U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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