I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
