I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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