I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she told me i tasted like america
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize