You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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