i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
