You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
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