Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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