Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
