I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
