@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
