...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel like death gave me a hand job
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
