i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
