i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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