Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
