I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
