I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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