Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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