the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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