The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
