sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
