Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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