It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
