We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Terrible idea I love it
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