I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
