hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
