Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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