im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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