I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
