Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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