Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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