You're my little dorito
I wish I could teleport
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
